Well, September 7th has come and gone, and just like every year, Apple delivers another disappointing upgrade cycle for their ridiculously over-selling, most profitable product ever (which has apparently sold 1 BILLION units. Come on, you iSheep. Stop drinking the Kool-Aid). Here is a list of 10 things I hate about the new iPhone, and why you should too.
- First, I HATE that the iPhone is now waterproof. It’s rated to be dunked in 1 meter of water for 30 minutes. So now how will spoiled iPhone users all over the world be able to “accidentally” drop their iPhone in water and convince their obviously rich parents to get them another one? I don’t care how convenient using your phone in the rain will be, or how cool it will be taking under water pictures. This is a bad update. Except when Samsung did it. Then it was a good thing.
- Second, the design is like, exactly the same as the 6 and 6s, with the most minor changes ever. How dare Apple focus on making internal improvements to the phone and not try and modify the outside of the 6s, even if it was the best-selling iPhone and highest-rated smartphone in history?
- I hate the new camera improvements. Apple is part of a conspiracy to drive camera makers out of business. Now what am I going to do with the expensive camera that I lug around on my neck on every vacation to prove what a good photographer I am? How dare someone use a device as portable and convenient as the iPhone to take pictures just as good as me, when they haven’t paid the price of this cumbersome DSLR?
- The new processor is too fast. I don’t like the new A10 Fusion because I used to take the brief split-second that it took for my messaging app to open up to glance back at the road before looking back down to continue my text. Now when I text and drive, the app will open up so fast that I won’t know when is the best time to take a fleeting peek at the cars around me! How annoying!
- It’s RAM is too low. Everyone knows that the Galaxy phones have higher RAM. And bigger numbers of RAM means faster. I don’t care what some “objective third-party” doing “real-world-scenario” testing says about iPhones consistently performing 30% faster. And I certainly don’t care that the newest iPhone 7 hasn’t even been speed tested against Samsung’s newest phones. Everyone knows phone speed is based solely on RAM and has nothing to do with anything else, ever.
- A brighter screen with better colors is so annoying. Just think about that bubbly, overly-hyper preppy girl in your freshman year home-ec class. She was soooooo annoying,8right? Guess what she was? Bright and colorful. So obviously more of those things sucks.
- A longer battery? Are you kidding me? Now what excuse can I use for not texting or calling someone back? They won’t believe that “my phone died” with this new longer lasting battery! Apple, are you intentionally trying to ruin my social life here?
- Doubling the storage of the iPhone from last year is the worst thing ever, because Apple still doesn’t have expandable memory! Why would I want to have built-in storage that goes up to 256 GB when I could go out and spend extra money on a micro-SD card and insert it into the phone myself? Samsung sells a 256 GB one for $200 that would be so easy to insert into my already more expensive Galaxy Note 7! Being able to walk around with multiple SD cards in my pocket is so convenient, and Apple refuses to give me that ability.
- Of course, the headphone jack is gone. What. The. Heck. Don’t give me all this nonsense about how it’s a 50 year old technology, and how digital audio sounds way better than analog, and taking it out made room for more important things, or that the new iPhone has two stereo speakers, or how many doors for new technology like compact noise-canceling headphones this will open up. And don’t remind me that 90% of users already use the standard, in-box headphones that come with their phone to listen to music anyway, so they’ll just be able to easily switch to the new, included Lighting-capable headphones. I want to listen to music on my OTHER headphones. And having a free, included adapter is SO annoying. Apple needs to stop trying to get rid of these things. Like, every day I miss the old 30-Pin connector. And I HATE that Apple removed DVD drives from their laptops to make them slimmer, because every single day of my life I want to play a DVD on my computer, and so does every one else. Everyone wishes their laptops still had disc drives, obviously, so it’s obvious that people will still wish their phones had headphone jacks in the future, and Apple will look like a big idiot for trying to innovate.
- iOS 10 sucks. I haven’t used it yet, and even though all the online reviews from tech-companies and review-er people say that it’s really good, I don’t believe them. All the huge improvements and adding of features that Android doesn’t have are irrelevant. Even though Apple saves themselves from the pain of fragmentation by keeping such tight reigns on their software, the fact that I am unable to make detailed and customizable changes to my phone’s operating system is very upsetting to me. Not that I would. Or even could. Because honestly only like 5% of the population has the coding knowledge to use that much open-ended customizability anyway, BUT STILL. I like knowing that I can.
Written, dripping in sarcasm, by TJ.