Why I Am Pro-Gay Rights but Anti-Gay-Marriage

UPDATE: February 21, 2021

Well, a LOT has happened since I wrote this post over 5 years ago. The first one being that, perhaps ironically, I have come out as bisexual and started dating men. I initially thought that I should just delete this post, but I think that would be disingenuous and false of me. I want people to be able to see the full scope of the journey I have come on, and this was part of it. I am happy to see that almost 6 years later, the fears I wrote about in this post have not come true. But more importantly, I am thrilled to see that the world and the Church (including myself) have become a more accepting and tolerant place for people to be themselves. So, if you choose to read on, do so knowing that I wrote this article as a 23 year old doing the best I could with the knowledge and understanding I had at this time, but that my views have significantly changed since then.

Much love, TJ


IMG_2333I am writing this post because of a sad trend I saw on Facebook after the announcement of the Supreme Court’s ruling to legalize gay marriage in the United States: anyone who did anything other than celebrate the announcement was immediately targeted as an intolerant bigot who hates all gay people.

The reason this upset me is because it is so untrue of myself and many others I know who do not agree with gay marriage. Obviously there are people on both sides of the debate who are simply rude about the way they express their opinions and beliefs, and people on both sides who are admittedly intolerant of others, whether that be intolerance of sexual preference or intolerance of religious values. This is not the place for them. In this post, I hope to accomplish nothing more than expressing my true feelings about this very sensitive and important issue. If, after this post, you still feel that I am an intolerant gay-hater, then so be it, but please don’t label me those things without understanding my views.

I love LGBT people. I have family members and friends who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender. If you ever asked any of them what their relationship with me has been like, I believe they would say that my actions were always kind and loving. I never have, and never would, willfully exclude a person from any part of my life because of their sexual preference or gender identity. Like all those who support gay marriage, I wish for my gay friends and family members to have equal rights to everyone else, including taxation status for couples, hospital/deathbed visitation rights, employment protection, and every other legal benefit that can come from a marriage.

Just without the word “marriage”.

Why in the world would I be willing to grant a gay couple all the benefits of a legal marriage but have a problem with using the term “marriage”? Most of the reason extends from my religious belief on what marriage is and is not, but I am not writing this post to discus my religious views. Here is why I feel that using the term “marriage” in this context is dangerous:

lawMost legal decisions come down to an interpretation of what one or two words in a given legislation or lawsuit mean. If the term “marriage” is used interchangeably, a very real danger of Church vs State problems arise, in which Churches are forced to recognize, participate in, or perform marriages for same-sex couples, even if their beliefs are against it, because both the Church and the State utilize the term “marriage” for their ceremonies. In essence, the government would be telling people what they are and are not allowed to believe.

Many officials have already dismissed this concern, ensuring the public that no such event ever would take place. But precursors to this problem can already be seen. Catholic Charities of Boston was told that they either had to allow adoptions to same-sex couples or be shut down (because they received public funding), so they shut their doors. The same thing happened in Illinois and Washington DC. In the UK, a homosexual couple decided to sue the Church of England, stating that they were both lifetime members of the Christian congregation, and that the church refusing to perform their wedding based on their sexual orientation was unlawful discrimination. And, in Jun of 2012, Denmark officially and democratically voted by an overwhelming majority of their parliament that churches would be forced to participate in same-gender marriages, regardless of religious beliefs.

Is it really that hard to see how the unilateral use of the word “marriage” can cause problems in how we divide church and state? Government-mandated compliance to same-sex marriage laws are a very real danger for churches. I do not disagree with the legalization of gay marriage because I hate gays and want them to be miserable, as most of my aggressors seem to believe. Quite the opposite: I want my gay friends and family to be as happy and have as many legal rights as anyone else. I disagree with it because I am fearful of what the implications would be for the future protection of my beliefs.

If another term was used to describe same-sex marriages which included all possible legal benefits of a marriage, I would be in favor of it. Call it a betrothal or a unification or an espousal or something else that someone smarter than myself comes up with. Give that form of relationship all and every legal benefit of a marriage. Make sure it is recognized as the deep and committed form of loving relationship that these partners wish to enter into. In that way, no discrimination would take place against a person for their sexual orientation or against a church for their beliefs, now or in the future.

I would like to say to all of my LGBT friends and family: I am happy for you. I am happy that you are happy. I am happy that you will be able to have the legal protection and rights you have fought for. I am sorry for all of the pain and suffering that you have endured at the hands of those who hate you. I hope you understand that I do not wish to cause you any harm or heartbreak.

If, 50 years from now, we look back and there have been no issues because of this conflict of Church and State, I will be happier than anyone! But until that day, I must remain pro-gay-rights, pro-equality, and pro-love, but anti-gay-marriage.

3 thoughts on “Why I Am Pro-Gay Rights but Anti-Gay-Marriage

  1. T.J. you have expressed my feelings exactly. I have had questions about why the gay-marriage lobby were so adamant against calling the legal union of gays a “legal union” or some other name. If gaining legal benefits of married couples were all that was wanted, that would have done perfectly well. Therefore, I thoroughly believe there is an undercurrent of agenda that has to do with breaking down traditional families and ramming through religious freedom expressions and traditions. If the issues are open and above board, I am ignorant of them. Someone tell me why the word “marriage” had to be used in order to have a recognition of legal rights. New words are added to the dictionary all the time, this would have been a nice time to add another.


  2. Hi TJ
    thanks for sharing your thoughts here.

    I hope that your fears prove to be unfounded and that 50 years from now, as you say, there have been no issues.
    From the perspective of the UK, which does not have the separation of state and church that the USA benefits from, it has been a key part of UK legislation that churches and other religious bodies are not compelled to conduct marriage ceremonies against their will. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-18407568
    To put your reference to the UK in some sort of context, the Daily Mail is not, how can I put this, the most reliable of sources for factual accuracy. As for the story, two millionaires may attempt to sue the Church of England (because they can afford to) but there is no law to support their argument. As the law stands in the UK at the moment, and there is no evidence that it is going to be changed, is that it is not unlawful discrimination for religious bodies to refuse to perform same sex marriages.


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