If you ask a man to describe his ideal woman, his answer will likely be something along these lines:
- chill / easygoing
- emotionally independent
Meanwhile, if you ask a woman to describe her ideal man, her answer will probably sound like this:
- connects on an emotional level
- a good listener
- spontaneously romantic
Now, raise your hand if you see the problem with these two lists.
That’s right little Susie! A man’s ideal woman is another man, and a woman’s ideal man is another woman!!! Look at the lists! They both describe qualities of their own sex!
Now, the majority of people are not homosexual, so what gives?
Although a man may be attracted to a woman physically, he doesn’t understand her mentally, and vice-versa. We know exactly how to relate to our own gender, because we are our own gender! A man can relate to another man simply because of their shared usage of the box system. A woman can relate to another woman because they both understand how the ball of wire works.
A lot of relationship problems arise from one partner trying to relate to the other in the way they would relate to their own gender. Let me explain:
A man comes home to see that his wife is stressed. She uses her wire brain’s default mode and begins talking about all the things that stress her out. The man loves his wife. He wants to help her. So he goes through his boxes and he finds the best solution that he knows of for dealing with stress, which he recommends to her: “Well just stop talking about it. Don’t think about it. Spending your time thinking about it will only make you more stressed.”
Although it may work for the man to not think about the problem (aka go to his Nothing Box) it will NOT work for his wife to try the same. She will think that he doesn’t love her or doesn’t care about her problems and is trying to shut her up. This isn’t the case! He loves her and wants her to be happy, so he gives her the advice that makes him happy!
Now imagine a woman comes home to see that her husband is stressed. He has used his man brain default mode and jumped to his Nothing Box to escape the stress. The woman loves her husband. She wants to help him. So she offers to him her best and finest solution: “Honey, talk to me about whats bothering you. Why won’t you talk to me? Tell me what’s wrong!”
The woman knows that her best and most effective way of dealing with stress is talking it out, but this method will not work for him! He is a man! He will think that she is being a nag and that she doesn’t trust him enough to deal with his own problems in his own way. Of course, this also isn’t true! She simply wants to help and is offering her best solution!
I imagine that for my married readers, these scenarios are all too familiar. It’s a frequently heard story. Now, just think about this: all of these problems and arguments could be completely avoided if both partners understood how the other person’s brain works! Instead of telling his wife to “not think about it”, the husband would just listen and sympathize as she talked through her problems. Instead of nagging her husband within an inch of his sanity, she would let him go to his nothing box to unwind, accepting that he will come to her when he is ready/needs to talk.
Of course, there are always exceptions. Be sure to talk openly with your husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend, brother/sister, father/mother, son/daughter so that you can understand how the other person deals with their stress.
In the end, the best piece of advice I can possibly give is this: always assume the best in people. I believe most people are essentially good at heart and are doing their best with the situation they have. If your husband is bothering you, assume he is doing his best. If your wife is on your nerves, assume she loves you and is trying to help. I promise that it is the happiest way to live. :)
Inspired by Mark Gungor’s “A Tale of Two Brains”